Top ten way *I'm* spending this valentine's...

Top ten way *I'm* spending this valentine's day.

10. Watching "Fatal Attraction" over and over to remind me what I'm not
missing.

9. Trying to decide how much to pay for sex ... $20, $50, $200, the rest of
my life?

8. Wondering if the Asian mail order woman company really has a money-back
guarantee.

7. Calling all the women I've gone out with in the last year, and asking them
if they enjoyed my wedding presents.

6. Renting the Jocelyn Elders workout video.

5. Waiting until tomorrow when I can buy all the really cheap chocolate, then
eating like a pig.

4. Taking my significant other, Candy, to be patched at the local bicycle
repair shop.

3. Compaigning for a law banning the following phrases:
Can't we just be friends?
I think of you as a brother. (sister)
I mean *sleep* together.
You'd like him -- he's a lot like you.
My boyfriend (girlfriend) and i got back together.
Sure, I'll go out with you.. but only casually
(at first this seems innocent until you realize it
means "You buy me food, movies, and
parking, and in the end, I'll break your heart")
You're the only one for me. (when said by a man)
You can trust me. (ditto)
Someday, it'll happen to you (when said by anyone
married).

2. Going cherub hunting with some anti-tank missiles.

....and the #1 way I'm spending valentine's:
1. Ignoring everyone, being surly, anti-social and just generally bitter
about not owning stock in Hallmark.